SEE THAT SMUG MUG OVER THERE? THAT SMUGFACE MCSMUGGINTON IS KUSASI, OTHERWISE DUBBED AS THE ORANGUTAN KING BY POPULAR CULTURE. FUCK YEAH HE IS SMUG AND GUESS WHAT, HE’S ALLOWED TO BE SMUG BECAUSE HE WENT FROM BEING AN ORPHAN TO BEING KING OF CAMP LEAKEY IN BORNEO. HE BECAME THE GODDAMN KING OF ORANGS BECAUSE HE’S JUST THAT AMAZING. LIKE HOLY FUCK FALLS, HIS MOTHER WAS KILLED BY GODDAMN POACHERS WHEN HE WAS AN INFANT, TAKEN IN BY THE POACHERS TO SELL HIM TO RICH PEOPLE WHO WANTS EXOTIC PETS. BUT THAT LUCKY BASTARD WAS RESCUED BY THE POLICE WHO BROUGHT HIM TO CAMP LEAKEY.
FOR THOSE OF YOU SAD PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW CAMP LEAKEY WAS WHERE ORPHANED ORANGS ARE TAKEN IN AND CARED FOR. THEY HAD A CRAZY ASS PAST AND CAMP LEAKEY WAS THERE TO HELP THEM RECOVER FROM THE THORNS OF THEIR PAST. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID WHEN HE GOT THERE? HE CHECKED THE PLACE OUT THEN HE MADE THE MAD DASH OUT OF THERE AND DISAPPEARED FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. A YEAR AND A HALF. A LONELY ORPHAN. ALONE. IN THE WILD. FOR A YEAR AND A HALF. THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. AN INFANT DOESN’T SURVIVE ALONE LIKE THAT.
BUT THIS FUCKER DID. THIS FUCKER LOOKED AT ALL THE SCARY MONSTERS IN THE FACE AND TOOK A GIANT SHAT ON THE ODDS AND SURVIVED OUT ON HIS OWN. AND WHEN HE WAS TIRED OF BEING BY HIMSELF, HE RETURNED BACK TO CAMP LEAKEY AND SURPRISED THE SHIT OUT OF GALDIKAS AND CO.
AND UPON RETURNING BACK, HE FOUND HIMSELF A SURROGATE MOTHER. AND SHE WASN’T JUST ANY ORGANG. THAT FUCKER ATTACHED HIMSELF TO THE MOST RESPECTED ORANG. HE ATTACHED HIMSELF TO THE DOMINANT FEMALE. BECAUSE ANY OTHER ORANG WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS GODDAMN FUCKER. HE KNEW HE DESERVED BETTER. HE KNEW HE WAS BETTER.
THIS WAS FUCKING CALCULATED. HE KNEW THE IMPORTANCE OF ASSOCIATIONS AND SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS. HE FUCKING KNEW, THAT IN THE ORANG LIFE, THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERS IS THE MOTHER AND CHILD. SO HE MADE HIMSELF A GODDAMN AMAZING FUTURE. HE FOLLOWED THE SHADOW OF THE DOMINANT FEMALE AND GOT THE BEST DAMN FOOD AND THE RESPECT FROM OTHER ORANGS BY ASSOCIATION. THAT SLY MOTHERFUCKER.
AND WHEN HE BECAME AN ADULT, HE BECAME AN ADULT. HE BECAME THE ADULT I FUCKING WISH I WAS. HE DIDN’T LET ANYTHING HOLD HIM BACK AND CALCULATED HIS FUTURE AND MADE IT FUCKING WORK FOR HIM. HE WAS THE DOMINANT MALE FOR GODDAMN DECADES. YEA YOU READ RIGHT. THAT’S A FUCKING PLURAL. DECADES. AND WHEN HE DIED, HE DIED A GODDAMN GOOD FIGHT. A WORTHY FIGHT OF A WORTHY WARRIOR.
AND THAT IS WHY KUSASI, THE ORANGUTAN KING, THE SMUG FUCKER OVER THERE, IS FUCKING AMAZING AND YOU SHOULD ALL KNOW IT.
Here are some awesome and empowering quotes from several very strong female celebrities.
And Kristen Stewart.
No, you know what? Fuck you.
Let me tell you about Kristen Stewart.
Let’s talk about how she’s the centerpiece of one of the most inexplicably popular misogynistic pieces of film shit and somehow gets blamed for it sucking, despite the fact that, hey, the books were actually worse. For those who were lucky enough to escape reading the actual books, her apparent lack of emotion is 100% accurate to Bella’s character, because Bella is in fact not a character but a blank white wall for fourteen-year-old girls to project themselves onto. Robert Pattinson is not the only one in the cast who hates Twilight, thank you.
Let’s talk about how she got crucified in the media for having an affair with a married man, when that man was her director. And let’s remember that she was called all manner of things for “ruining her relationship with RPattz” when she wasn’t even engaged to the dude, let alone married with kids. But oh no, she gets called a slut because she’s Kristen Stewart, she gets her career fucked because she’s Kristen Stewart, and the dude gets off scott free.
Let’s talk about how she is incredibly shy and anxious (rather, incidentally, like Chris Evans) but does film anyway, because she’s just that awesome.
Fuck your noise. She’s not the best actor in the world but she sure as hell doesn’t deserve that kind of shit.
Everyone, I’m elated to tell you that Tumblr will be joining Yahoo.
Before touching on how awesome this is, let me try to allay any concerns: We’re not turning purple. Our headquarters isn’t moving. Our team isn’t changing. Our roadmap isn’t changing. And our mission – to empower creators to…